How can I improve my college personal essay? Edits/comments please!?

The prompt is; Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.

Answer;



Broken. Just that one word can categorize a million events in a lifetime, but in my case it applies to a select few. From leading an active life style, the breaking of my bones has been a common reoccurrence yet without doing so I would not be left with the personality I endear today.



“Aargh,” the painful noise pierces the dark, cool, sterile air of the room. From the left side of my leg, a raging throb surges the length of my body. Someone rushes to my side, a nurse whose nametag is now faded in my memory. She tells me that I am at the Fairview Southdale Hospital under critical care. The questions that flood my mind are overwhelming and I fall into a painful stupor. The next time I lift open my eyelids, a pleasant haze casts itself over my surroundings. Another nametag comes into view and it spells: Dr. Brad Moser, my physical therapist. He introduces himself with a quick smile and describes my injuries, something along the lines of, “at your soccer game you were thrown down after attempting a header and your ankle twisted inwards before your head catapulted to the ground. From this, you sustained a mild concussion, coma, broken fibula, and growth plate in the left ankle.” What came next I tried to ignore yet Brad came out with it anyways, “Britta, your soccer season is over.”



It couldn’t be over, I convinced my conscious, not after what I had put myself through. Not after rousing half-asleep at 5:30 am to trudge over to the neglected track field and be ordered to run 4 ? miles then returning only to endure 5 hours of “skill” work. Later, coming home and collapsing in a tangle of tortured limbs, attempting to dream when the next day it would resume. The rage in my soul ceded my insecurities and I arrogantly proclaimed, “this is nothing, I am not done.” I had no other options; I mean what else would I do with my life without soccer? Having that injury shattered my world because the one thing I found stability in was gone, without explanation it disappeared because that’s the way things happen in life. The next day my dad paid me a visit and gave me a classic line, “you can pout or you can shut-up and finish what you started.” Those words were shocking at the time since I was too na?ve to realize the self-absorbed human I had become. In turn, I enrolled in a 4-month physical therapy program. Although I was not able to participate in the high school season, I gained even more from being on the sidelines than on the field. I came to be aware of how precious opportunities in life are and that having a closed-mind is what allows those fleeting opportunities to escape. From that day on, I made a promise to myself to work hard in order to pursue every opportunity that could potentially change myself.How can I improve my college personal essay? Edits/comments please!?
Spoiler alert. I'm going to be honest. It's terrible: really bad. It's full of atrocious constructions and purple prose. It's way over the top. Seriously, pay an English major to look at it for you. It needs nothing less than a total rewrite.

';The rage in my soul ceded my insecurities and I arrogantly proclaimed'; lol.How can I improve my college personal essay? Edits/comments please!?
I like it. I find it a good read, although I feel as though your last paragraph could be two paragraphs? The last one should be your definite conclusion.
You obviously write well and, generally, have good command of English. I found your piece engaging (perhaps over dramatic) but was turned off by several grammatical and word choice issues. Punctuation was also an issue; you need more commas everywhere.



First sentence of last paragraph, for example, you probably mean ';conscience'; instead of ';conscious'; AND does it really make sense that you can convince your conscience?!