Wednesday, November 17, 2010

How can i change my thinking...?

Hey there, I always seem to get into little stupid arguments with my best friend, and i think i am the cause of most of them, but i dont know why i start them or how to fix my thinking and behaviors when i get in that upset/angry mode. Ok so some history- i am 18 and a guy, she is 17 and my best friend. she has been dating a guy for 3 years and i am in lover with her, but she knows and we have gone on with our friendship. But it seems like i just always start these arguments over the dumbest things and they escalade into huge fights where i say things that i dont mean and i sometimes come off as a jerk. I hate myself when i become ';that guy'; but i just cant seem to let things go, i over think everything, and i let the little things bother me... how can i change my thinking/behaviors/personality so i can avoid these situations and not lose my best friend due to my temper and stupidity? thanks so much for reading and giving positive adviseHow can i change my thinking...?

im a girl%26amp;i've been in your situation.idk; im not much of a genius..but its because like.its natural i guess.its something you cant control.

like;what type of arguments do you guys have?.. does get annoying when guys get like that.but cant really fix it; 'cause you love her%26amp;she doesnt feel the same way back.

just try to stop yourself%26amp;always say sorry.


hope that helped.How can i change my thinking...?
Hello. It seems like you know what it is you're doing to start these fights, so that is good. The best thing to do is not be so hard on yourself and work on changing your behavior little by little.
Hi, I study psychology and I think the best thing you should do is figure out why you are angry with her. She is obviously rubbing you up the wrong way - whether it's a clash of personality or maybe you simply resent her because you don't think she loves you, the way you do her. Once you have worked out why you are behaving like this, then you can ask the question of how can you change.
In our current culture, men are often stereotyped as being sports loving, emotionless drones who only want sex and have no capacity for really caring about someone else. For this reason, no one really talks anymore about male emotions. Men, by their nature, are more aggressive, so when men manifest their emotions regarding relationships with anger or resentment, the cultural view is that it's ';just some guy being a bastard toward a woman';.

You care for this girl, and you want to care about her on a complex level where you can rise above the fact that she's going out with another guy. There's a cultural taboo against admitting that men simply aren't emotionally wired that way. Admit to yourself that you're angry that she has chosen to be with a guy other than you.

From there, you have to do the more difficult thing and put this into perspective. First, your deep, personal feelings of rejection have been experienced by I'd say over 90% of the population. I know that in the circumstance, it's just happening to you. But, in the Big Picture, most people have been felt burned by someone in some way or another.

Second, keep in mind that the number one motive for murder in history is male sexual jealousy. I don't bring this up to suggest anything about your situation and murder. Rather, I'm pointing out that it's natural for men to react aggressively when they feel they've been de-valued by a woman they have affection for.

And that's what's happening to you. Like billions of men before you, you're pissed off at a woman who said without words (in our minds), ';I think this guy is BETTER than you.'; Ouch. That stings.

So, what do you do now? Here's the shitty answer that most will give you: ';Accept it. You're her friend and respect her decision if you want to continue to be friends.'; Anyone can tell you that. That's a stupid answer, because it doesn't get to the heart of the situation.

Here's the real answer: you can't have it both ways. On your side, you can't pretend that someone you have romantic feelings for is just your friend. On her side, knowing that you have romantic feelings for her, she can't ask you to continue being her friend because she values you only as a friend.

The friendship contract is now null-and-void. Friendships take place on the foundation of mutual understanding. That foundation no longer exists. Your history as friends exists, but not the foundation of your friendship. That's gone.

So, here's what you do. Don't be angry at this girl anymore. Don't yell at her, or be abusive to her in any way. Your letting your emotions run the show and that's stupid. Instead, be polite and nice and good to her on a requested basis. You're no longer an intimate friend. You're a civil friend. You're there for her, but as needed. Carry out the functions of friendship as needed. Beyond that, accept the fact that she isn't romantically interested in you. Also, because she does, in fact, value you, don't put yourself in a position where she can string you along with hope or flirtation.

Slowly move away. Go make some money or something. Get busy.
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