My wife and I were going out for 2 years before we married. During the early days I asked questions of her sexual past as I was curious to see what type of girl I was dating. Firstly, I am no angel. I had a period of my life whereby I was very sexually promiscuous. I spent a few years picking up women at bars, and couldn鈥檛 believe how easy it was to get women into bed in NZ. I started to get a bad attitude about these types of women, and it's fair to say I did grow tired of my lifestyle as a 鈥榩layer鈥? The only thing it left me with was a deep disrespect for the girls that would have one night stands through being chatted up by men. I am not proud of my past and have changed, but it has discoloured my view on single NZ women.
I was curious to see if my girlfriend at the time was one of these women I had come to dislike. She started by saying she had had a couple of one night stands, and that she had had a few different partners. Things then kept coming out that made me doubt her words, and I must admit I was getting more and more suspicious. Her stories changed and she kept forgetting what she had previously said to me. When we spoke about her past she would reassure me she wasn鈥檛 the 鈥榞oodtime girl鈥?and I had no reason to really doubt her. I fell hopelessly and madly in love with her, and I have to say she is the love of my life.
After we had been married a few months I did a stupid thing. One day we told each other our passwords for stuff, and when signing into my email account, I decided I would have a look at hers. I know I broke the trust that was given me, and believe me I feel much worse after doing it.
Her email account was basically like a diary. She had written emails to her friends around the world describing her life at the time. The emails were dated from 5 years ago till we met. What I read was a girl going from man to man to man. It seemed like her life was spent in pursuit of a boyfriend, and her emails where filled with numerous one night stands, taking guys home for sex, and in some cases openly chasing sex with men. This all seemed to happen in the open, in front of friends and she didn鈥檛 seem to have a problem with them seeing her go home with different guys. These are the friends she still has now, and the friends I have met. These messages weren鈥檛 overly sexual or graphic, but they were of a woman who seemed to sleep with guys she met, and then be a bit discouraged when they never phoned her back, or sometimes never got in contact again. She certainly didn鈥檛 seem to worry about sleeping with men, even though there was no way of a relationship with many men she slept with. It's fair to say after reading them I felt sick to my stomach and upset that I had been misled.
I never made a secret of the fact I did not want to marry a women with a major sexual history. We had talked about it many times, in fact even on our first date. She knew exactly how I felt towards women of this nature, and she constantly reassured me that this wasn鈥檛 her. Now 3 months into our marriage I have found out I had married the exact women I did not want to marry.
I came clean about the emails and we discussed it at some length. At first she tried to lie and cover up what I had read, but she realised that the truth was really her only option, and she opened up to me.
My wife admitted to sleeping with around 40 different men up to the age of 33 when we met. She claims 12 of them she was in a relationship with, and the rest were flings. Either one nighters of maybe a few days. She claims she isn鈥檛 a slut, and that she has made some wrong decisions and been led on by men who were basically similar to what I myself was.
My problem is that I am married to this woman. I love her, and am committed to her. I feel though I was conned into marrying her, and I feel she deliberately lied and misled me. I don't think I would have married her if I had have known the truth about her past. I am in too deep now, and won't leave her as she is an amazing woman.
But how do I stop the feelings of mistrust? How do I deal with her being a type of woman I didn鈥檛 want to be with? And I can't seem to get over the fact she has been with so many men. Is this normal? She claims loads of women today are just like her, but I鈥檓 not sure. I think she reinvented herself and deliberately left her past behind her when she met me as she knew she was onto a good thing.
I know I have lost a serious amount of respect for her, and I don't know if I will ever get over it. I have read people on here saying they still struggle with their wife鈥檚 past 10 years after finding out. How do I stop feeling lI need help in dealing with my wife's sexual past....?
I'm sorry you had to find out about women AFTER marrying her. She is totally normal, at least for this society and this time we are in. Women grew up on ';Sex and the City.'; You do have a sexist double standard view, although I'm sure you know that. That's OK...most men do, if they are truthful. You have to admit, you kind of deserve to be married to the ';exact women I did not want to marry.'; You used women for one-night stands and then thought THEY were bad.
If you can't accept your wife for the person she is and her past, she would be better off finding another man and keeping her past private. In the future, if you don't stay with your wife, DON'T ASK (about a woman's past). No one wins...and very few people are honest.
Now, to put it all in perspective... you will leave this earth one day and go into that ';white light'; to be in a place totally loving and accepting. If you feel distrustful, hurt and angry; try to feel a little of that spiritual stuff now....and share it with her. How do you want to be judged one day when all of your secrets are out in the open? I'm sure you will want to be judged by a forgiving/accepting and loving being. She's human and so are you! Good luck. I feel for you.I need help in dealing with my wife's sexual past....?
your no angel her past is just that hers, Men like to have that angelic image of their wives but the truth is if she wasnt a virgin when you married her and you wasnt her saint who cares how many men she slept with as long as shes faithful to you now
';After we had been married a few months I did a stupid thing. One day we told each other our passwords for stuff, and when signing into my email account, I decided I would have a look at hers';
-This is the mess you get yourself into when make foolish choices. Live and learn, I hope you do.
You wrote ';I am married to this woman. I love her, and am committed to her.'; Your post says you are not committed to her. Either you are or you are not.
If you can't live with knowing her past, try to get an annulment on the grounds that she misrepresented herself. If not, then get a divorce. You will never be able to forget what you know about her.
Good Luck!
Im sorry BUT your past is the same as hers!!! I dont know why your crying.. if you did the same thing years ago? I hate macho men..'; Oh I want a virgin wife, but its ok that Im a man whore. ';
This is way too long for me to read...I do have a life too.
But your wife's past is none of your business and none of your concern. NOW in the present is your business and concern. What she did before meeting you is gone. Are you really willing to put what you have right now in jeopardy for something that happened a life time ago?
A lot of ppl will disagree with me, but I can see your point. I don't sleep around... and a part of me looks down on women who make weaker choices than I have. I can't have intimacy unless I'm in love. It's not always easy! Anyway... I'm sorry this has happened to you. Actually, you sound like the kid of guy I like... an experienced older guy. Even though I'm kind of an angel, that's what I like. Maybe we both have double standards that way.
Try to sleep on it for a week or so, and in the meantime, try not to let it get to you. Get some rest. Whenever I'm faced with something tough, I find I almost always lighten up after a couple of days.
There's no hope. Not because of your wife, it's you. You're a total putz.
It is funny how I man can sleep around and he is macho but a woman does it she is a slut. You are just as promiscuous as she was back then so maybe she should nail you to the wall with your past just as much you are doing to her. All that matters now if she/you are faithful to one another.
You know she could have said to you that she didn't want to be with a guy with that kind of past. Maybe if you weren't such a slime back then these nice women wouldn't be labeled as such from the so called men who used them. Just a thought to you next time you decide to open up and say something about your WIFE who was one of women who was used from one of opposite sex like yourself. Sorry to sound so harsh but don't be a hypocrite.
What a piece of work you are...
YOU screwed all kinds of women. But you've changed!!!
So did she.
Now suck it up and get on with your life.
Okay, obviously the part that should bug you is the fact that she lied. What bothers me is the fact that her being a slut in the past bothers you. Dude sorry but you were probably a bigger whore than her. It doesn't make it any better to be a man and be a whore, a whore's a whore no matter what sex. Do not put people up to a high standard if you yourself couldn't handle doing it. I know I would not want to marry a slut or even ex slut but I was never a slut myself. You should get over that fact and focus on asking her why she lied about it. Of course what she did was wrong (lying to you I mean) but she obviously felt insecure in your staying with her and felt you wouldn't over look who she USE to be (you know, the SAME things you are guilty of yourself). You should talk to her about why she lied and realize, sorry but you are no prize yourself.
If she has had no other contacts with any other guy since you married her, then you need to let go of the past and trust her till she proves otherwise. Tell her that if she ever wants to be with another guy, to tell you first so you can divorce her because you will not accept cheating for any reason.
The biggest concern I would have is whether or not she has any kind of STD or AIDS, etc.
Some things are best not known. I had a rough past (with drugs, not sex), but it is far from the person I am today. I'm not so keen on telling people about it either, and gloss over things because I am not proud of who I used to be. Had my fiance not known me during that time, I'm sure there are some things I would not have shared with him either.
Firstly, you are in the wrong for violating your wife's trust by reading her private emails without permission, shame on you. Secondly, aren't you a pompous a**? So it's totally cool you went out and banged every chick you could find, but it isn't that she slept with guys without commitment? Sure you may have admitted it to her, but it's kind of a double standard for girls. She was probably scared you'd pass her off as a slut (which you have). You say you changed? What makes you assume she didn't change too? You need to look in the mirror. And if your that upset, seek marital help. But don't get angry because you went snooping around, found out some things you should have never known, and those things happen to be the very same sort of things YOU yourself used to do.
i was in the same spot u r in now. 40 years later i found out my husband was a man slut. it still hurt like hell because he cheated on me on many occations. yes alot of women sleep around at a drop of a hat their quite easy. but thats no excuse for whoring around even if u yourself did it. just because i smoked pot when i was a teen im not going to say it was alright. anyway, what u need to find out is why she had such a low self esteem. was this the only way she could get attention was sleeping around, was she thinking if i sleep with him now he will keep me. was she basicly a very loney women who would sleep with a man because that was the only way she could have the hugs and kisses she so desperatly needed. all humans need contact. what your trying to do is find out why was she so desperate to put her self in such danger. now like i said iv been thru this too. and i would of never married my husband if i had know he slept around so much before or during. i dont care for these type of people, i was a virgin and never cheated. all u can do is hope she is reformed and she would never hop in bed so easily again with anyone. its scary i know. i love my husband to. but for the past 25 years he has bent over backwards to make it up to me. he spoils me to death and tell me how he loves me all the time. he said he was so immature and selfish and would never hurt me like he did in the past. now just except this is a new life and enjoy her.
the past can not harm you, unless you live in it! Look you say she is a wonderful woman, she is the one so think this over. Maybe all the crap she went through searching for the right man is what made her the person she is today, that you fell in love with. I am sure there are some small details you left out about your past, has to be some hidden secrets only you know about, otherwise you are not human. Would she not respect you if she knew those secrets.. I would have never asked or shared past relationships or one night stand crap with my wife, creates way too much chaos!
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